Pillar

It was the first time I spent crying to myself at night till the wee hours of the morning. I felt so empty, the darkness enveloping me, the quietness of my room even seem to bother me. The white noises attacked my ears, somehow seemingly louder when I pressed each hand against each ear to block the noises. 

It wouldn't have turned out this way when my late grandmother was still here. She would know when I feel like shit. At times late at night, I would enter her room to find her staring out of the window with a million and one thoughts in her head. She would then listen to every word I had to say, patting my back and head. I always appeared strong talking to her, never cried in front of her because I felt embarrassed to let her know that her eldest granddaughter is vulnerable. 

Her non-existence affected me even more last night because I knew that I have to start depending on myself and I have no one to talk to about life late at night. It was like a huge blow was taken onto my head and the pain throbbed at every inch. I didn't know what to do so I cried it all out, unable to breathe at one point as my nasal passage somehow got blocked by the excessive crying. I just felt lonely.

It sucks to be in a world full of people yet you find yourself feeling lonely. There is a difference in being alone and being lonely. We have a choice to be left alone. Being lonely just straps you down from the society of the world that you can't even depend on and trust. 

I need to soldier on somehow and get myself back on track. Put on the same facade again and carry on with life. What other choice do I have right?